When a Visible Birth Defect Invites Bullying

Try as you might, there will come a day when your little one will limp off to the school bus or pick up her crutches in an effort to make it into the school building. No longer under your watchful eyes and ability to carefully select friends and playmates, your child will need to learn to fend for her- or himself in the real world – in spite of having a birth defect. While your child should be able to deal with the less than desirable outcroppings in other children’s behavior due to the insensitive nature of their questions about the visible birth defect, there are some behaviors where parental guidance is crucial.

Although in general society would like to pretend that bullying in the context of physical deformities and abnormalities does not happen anymore, the sad reality is starkly different. Bullying is alive and well, and in the harshly defined pecking order that begins in the middle of elementary school and reaches critical mass during the middle school years, nothing makes bullying more inviting than a visible handicap.

When a visible birth defect invites bullying, you need to ensure that your child is not only able to deal with the event, but also knows to immediately speak to you about it. Here are some suggestions:

1. Your child needs to understand what bullying consists of; a little tease, a good natured joke, and even an insensitive remark do not necessarily constitute an example of bullying. Instead, it will take on physical forms such as hitting, pushing, intentionally tripping your child, calling her or him names, scornfully imitating the physical appearance of your child, such as by using an exaggerated limp, and then threatening your child with physical harm if she or he will tell anyone.

2. Your child needs to understand that a bully is a person who may have been mistreated by others and in turn is passing on this learned behavior. While this does not excuse the other child’s behavior, it will help your child to see past the threatening and intimidating behavior of the bully and recognize another scared or scarred kid underneath.

3. While your child needs to learn to deal with bullying, you have to get involved and speak to teachers, the principal, and the other child’s parents. This is not a time to spare feelings or mince words. Keeping your temper in check and the child with a friend or relative, you will need to convey succinctly, briefly, and decisively that you will not tolerate the bullying of your child to continue. I you meet resistance and the old “kids will be kids” attitude, do not be afraid to calmly state that unless immediate action is taken, you will entertain the thought of legal action against the school district in general, the school in particular, and also the principal and the child’s parents. If nothing else, this will get results.

4. Do not tell your child about this conversation but instead role-play how to act when bullying happens. Show how to defuse a situation by walking away, put a bully in her or his place verbally or by ignoring the child, and practice how to put on a nonchalant attitude when bullied.

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